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A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
Always have a goal. Example: Turn as much alcohol into urine as you can.
Difference between men and women: Women can change their mind whenever they want. Men can change their mind whenever the woman wants.
My grocery list is just a piece of paper saying ~ don`t run into anyone you know.
PRO TIP: You can use crunchy food to block out conversations of people you hate.
When I say "It’s a long story" It usually means I just don’t want to tell you it.
The next time someone asks me what I`m doing, I`m gonna reply "I`m breathing 2 stay alive how about u"?
Just moisturized my hands and now I can`t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
I got drunk last night and my house wasn`t where I left it.
My GPS is basically just one more woman in my life who I turn on and then ignore.
First world problems: I couldn’t hear the TV so I had to stop eating chips.
If A-B-C-D didn’t drag out their part of the Alphabet song, LMNOP wouldn’t have to be so rushed.
According to serving sizes tonight, I`m a family of 4.
I just put Santa hats on all my Halloween decorations.
Pro tip: Go the the gym on one of those 1 day free passes, take 365 selfies then post one every day.