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Opposites attract, that’s the trouble with being awesome.
This bulk box of peanuts I got from Costco tastes like styrofoam.
I purposely bought the same grill my neighbor has, so every time it needs to be cleaned, I just switch them at night.
More often than not, the excitement of a Facebook friend request dies upon discovering who it is.
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they`re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
I bet it’s pretty hard at a mime’s funeral to figure out when the moment of silence is over.
Come on snooze button, is 9 minutes all you have to offer...I need something in the 2-3 hour range.
The key to a woman`s heart is making her laugh...just make sure she`s not laughing at the size of your junk.
I hope manners is the next cool trend.
The skinny girl inside me once tried to come out. I shut that b*tch up with a cupcake
Apparently, walking up behind a hot guy in the produce aisle with celery in my hand and whispering "I`m stalking you" was much funnier in my head.
If you are going to write in the dust on my car, please dont date it
I’m so glad I was young and stupid before there were camera phones.
The only thing I can fix in this world tonight is another drink.
My ex-girlfriend broke up with me because she says I was obsessed with football. I was shocked. I mean we were together for 3 1/2 seasons.