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Quite honestly, Officer, I wouldn`t have even pulled over had I known all you were going to do was criticize my driving.
Before you decide to spend less time on social media... make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
It’s impressive how quickly I can go from full to starving.
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
Remember kids- Respect your fathers! Besides, before you came out of your moms, you came out of your dad.
If any of you ever want your kitchen painted orange just give a six year old Cheetos for lunch and tell them not to make a mess. Works every time.
The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.
I wish I drove a Volkswagen bug. It would be cool to know that every time I drove by a school bus, some kid was getting punched.
For you men who think a woman’s place is in the kitchen, remember… that’s where the knives are kept.
The trouble with children is that they´re not returnable.
Apparently my socks never remember “The Buddy System” whenever I wash them.
At the urinal, please keep your eyes forward and your conversations limited to weather, sports or beer.
Being an adult is a lot like going to the vet. We`re all excited for the ride until we realize what it`s like where we`re going.
Easy come, easy go describes my last 12 cases of beer and 17 relationships.
What was that idiot thinking when he invented white underwear?