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Hendrix didn`t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
I`m actually a really good driver, when Facebook is down.
If a man speaks at sea where no women can hear, is he still wrong?
Two knives taped together are not a suitable alternative to scissors.
Just took a "Try Me" sticker off one of the plush toys at Wal-Mart and stuck it on a condom box.
Just so I`m sure to make friends, I like to walk in the bar carrying a handful of phone chargers.
never trust a man in a wheelchair with dirty shoes
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats
Don`t apologize because you haven`t posted in a while. No one cared.
Someone offered me grapes, but I declined. I`m not used to consuming wine in pill form.
I`m sorry officer, I thought you wanted to race.
When someone rings the doorbell, why do dogs always assume it’s for them?
I’ve taken off my pants in most malls that I’ve been to.
I wish my bank account refilled as fast as my laundry basket.
I purposely cry while cutting carrots so onions don`t think they`re ugly or something.