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"Good for you!" means, "I do not consider you a threat" in woman-speak.
It`s not a mental breakdown if the police wasn`t called.
I don`t care if you`re here to murder me - we take our shoes off in this house.
The sole purpose of a child`s middle name, is so he can tell when he`s really in trouble.
It only takes 2 ingredients to make a baby. Does that not blow your mind. Like at least there should be some flour or something.
often rambles on and on about this and that seeming to be heading towards a point but really just blabbing about nothing.
Just had workplace violence training. It`s like HR doesn`t even care about the first rule of fight club.
Ferris Bueller did more in one day than I’ve done in my entire life.
When I say I like to travel, I really just mean I like to get drunk in different places.
OMG this is Freaky! Have 8 beers & 3 shots, go to your phone the next day, press ‘Recently Dialed’ & the name of your crush will appear!
Ever since I installed AdBlock, all the single ladies in my area seemed to have lost interest.
B!tch, please! You`re so fake, even barbie is jealous of you
Why has no one invented a button next to snooze which emails your boss to say you`re gonna be late?
Sometimes I do totally awesome and amazing things just to throw people off.
Why do they call it "Jew-ish"? Are they not Jew enough?