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In post apocalyptic movies everyone wears leather ... but there are no cows.
Sometimes you can tell it’s going to be a bad day when someone you don’t like is smiling.
Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, & nothing but the truth" ... I choose dare, your honor
Relationship status: my cat won`t sit still for our selfies.
Marriage. When dating goes too far.
The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you`re signing a cast.
If you ever want to know what you look like to the world, don’t look in a mirror, have a child draw you.
My mother suggested that I get professional help... and that`s when I hired my first hooker.
Why do I get the feeling that a lot of adults nowadays who ask kids "What do you want to be when you grow up?" are just trying to come up with some ideas?
I`ve come to the point where I don`t even procrastinate anymore ... I just don`t do it.
Really disappointed to find out after laser eye surgery I am unable to burn down buildings
Ahh..Monday, so we meet again ... You dirty bitch!!
I need a fixed income. Mine is broken.
The best time to re-examine your life is when you find yourself reluctantly nodding to the questions asked at the start of an infomercial.
I get my: Cereal from a tiger, Insurance from a gecko, Toilet paper from a bear, Financial advice from a gorilla. It`s people I don`t trust.