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Only 273 fruit roll-ups to go until I get my full serving of fruit...
Why go out and pretend to like people when you have Netflix?
I tried being awesome today, but I was just so tired from being awesome yesterday.
People that chew gum and drink alcohol what the f*ck is wrong with you.
Is it wrong to drop off drunks at houses that aren`t theirs?
Using a public restroom always reminds me how much better I am at flushing a toilet than a lot of other people.
Golf ball sized hail wouldn`t be as destructive if we just made golf balls a lot smaller.
Some people are such treasures that you really just wanna bury them.
If I had a British accent, I`d never shut up.
Friends would describe me as classy, sassy and a bit smart-assy.
If each day is a gift, I wonder where I can return monday.
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream.
If Guys Wrote Valentine’s Cards: “I don’t even need beer to think you’re attractive.”
You can always tell if a guy masturbates a lot by looking at his hands. If you look closely, you’ll see a wedding ring.
I must have drank more than I thought last weekend...there`s an entire hour that I don`t remember!