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Dear Mother-in-Law, Do not tell me how to handle my child, I am living with one of yours and he needs a lot of improvement.
Whenever I check my weight, I always subtract 5 pounds. I don`t think that boobs and brains this fabulous should count against me.
I don’t like people who can’t make fun of themselves. It just makes more work for me.
In lieu of a gift I liked a couple of charities on FB in your honour
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
My car remote died. I had to insert my key into the lock like some kind of goddamn animal.
Shoutout to this ATM fee for making me buy my own money.
Really don`t see the need for pants for the rest of this day. :)
I always reply to my wife’s texts with :0))) I’m not being friendly, I’m discretely letting the fat bitch know how many chins she has.
I was the hot single in my area the whole time.
I Hope I can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
The grass is always greener where the bodies are buried.
I just went dumpster diving.. and hit the mother load. Tons of dude gear and tools! It smelled of angry white woman.
If banks were as fiercely regulated as McDonalds breakfast cut off time, there’d be no problems.
I need a bank to do two things for me: give me a loan and leave me alone