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If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
When I try to fold fitted sheets it looks like I’m in an infomercial that’s exaggerating how difficult it is to fold fitted sheets.
Going to McDonalds for a salad is like going to a prostitute for a hug.
If I was Neil Armstrong landing on the moon, "That`s one small step for man," would have been, "Screw you every girl who ever shot me down!"
Do you guys ever get a shooting pain across your body like someone has a voodoo doll of you & they`re stabbing it? No? How about now?
How does it change many dyslexics to take a lightbulb?
We`re sorry to announce that due to budget cuts the beloved carol "Silver Bells" will be replaced with the more cost effective carol "Aluminium Bells".
I wish I drove a Volkswagen bug. It would be cool to know that every time I drove by a school bus, some kid was getting punched.
I saw a Facebook ad for burial plots and I thought, that`s the last thing I need.
Wife says to her husband, "You wanna change positions tonight?" He says, "Yeah!" she says, "OK, you do the dishes and I will sit on the couch and fart."
The key to a woman`s heart is making her laugh...just make sure she`s not laughing at the size of your junk.
Male camel toe? Dude that`s just nuts.
Farts are just ghosts of things that we ate. ;D
Women forgive and forget but always make sure you don`t forget that they forgave you and forgot about it.
There is no such thing as something looking "Too good to eat"