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Ah Friday my second favorite F Word
Who needs a social life when you have Netflix and a fridge full of food?
I suffer from paranoid-schizophrenic indifference. I really don`t care what the voices in my head are saying behind my back.
Shopping at the Dollar Tree makes me feel rich and poor at the same time
Things that make women emotional- 1) sad movies 2) love stories 3) anything 4) everything
Sorry I didn`t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
Still haven`t cashed in my winning megamillions ticket...scared the $6 will make my friends treat me different.
I`m 0-9 on finding secret rooms behind bookcases.
I`d care more about your feelings if they came with a toy and chicken nuggets.
I hate when the cops throw me in the back of the squad car like they didn’t hear me call shotgun.
I don`t know what I`d do without coffee...Probably twenty five to life in the state penitentiary.
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers. "Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?" SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!!
I`m a nonviolent person until I see a spider. Then I turn into Al Capone and "I want him DEAD! I want his family DEAD! I want his house burned to the GROUND!
I gave my wife my email address but she keeps on speaking directly to me.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.