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Marry someone shorter than you so you can hide all the good snacks on the top shelf.
Honesty is the best policy, but insanity makes for a better legal defense.
I’m just a man standing in front of a woman, who is standing in front of another man who is in front of another woman in line at Taco Bell.
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
I`m glad I`m me, I don`t think anybody else could take it.
I wish the Microsoft Paperclip would just pop up when I’m making a questionable decision for my life.
Sometimes I get in this weird mood where I find everyone annoying. But it only happens when I’m awake.
No matter what happens this month, at least you’re not a turkey.
If I live to be 100, I`m gonna make up some fake reason why, just to mess with people. Like, I ate a pine cone, or drank olive oil every single day...
Interesting fact: Prior to the creation of hummus and ranch dressing nobody ate uncooked vegetables.
Is the "D" in Donkey Kong a typo? It should have been Monkey Kong right? These are the things that keep me up at night.
Remember when you were a kid and all you would use the computer for was paint and space pinball?
Hoping that Steve Harvey isn`t the one announcing the winning Powerball numbers tonight!
When your Dr. says "I`ll need to Google that"..... it`s time to change Doctors
I finally overcame my fear of skinny dipping. Unfortunately it cost me my YMCA membership.