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Do you want to know Victoria`s Secret? Their lingerie doesn`t look the same on your girlfriend as it does on their models..
The further you push me away, the more I begin to enjoy viewing you from a distance.
Sorry for accidentally karate kicking you. Sorry for high-fiving everyone who saw it.
The only yoga stretch I’ve perfected is the yawn.
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
Have you ever laughed so hard that no sound comes out and you sit there clapping your hands like a retarded seal?
Go to China on honeymoon. Get intimate with Husband. Tell child that they were "Made in China."
I’m not shy, I’m just really good out figuring out who is not worth talking to.
I was wondering why my doctor gave me LSD for my constipation, then I saw a dragon and crapped myself.
So far,,, I`ve spent 300% of this week exaggerating.
Getting my kids to the airport always feels like I`m recreating the first 10 minutes of "Home Alone."
I will resolve to spend less time on Facebook..............ok, got that one out of the way.....................
It`s scientifically proven that stress is caused by giving a f*ck.
If she burns the bacon, she`s no good bro
For the past 3 years I have been planning to write an article on Procrastination!!!