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Some people might as well post ‘Wants Attention’ as their Facebook status.
Some girls are so desperate. Who calls 3 times, leaves a voicemail, and sends a text?? Take a hint, mom.
I`ve been married to my wife 10 years today. Having sex with just one person in 10 years is pure dedication. I don`t know how she does it.
I`m in the awkward time period between not wanting to have pants on, and having to wait for the pizza guy right now...
My New Year`s resolution for 2014 is to do something about my procrastination.
Hold that pose. My camera is ringing.
Alcohol free beer is like ... orgasm free sex
It only takes one slow walking person in the grocery store to destoroy the illusion that I am a nice person.
Psycho and socio have always been my favorite paths.
Don`t be part of the problem. Be the ENTIRE problem.
I talk to myself because my answers are the only ones I accept
Kinda makes you wonder how many employees used to piss on their hands in the bathroom before management finally took action
To all who called into work drunk today. Happy St Patrick`s Day.
Dear iPhone, Please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
The awkward moment when you’ve already said “what?” three times and still have no idea what the person said, so you just agree.