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What do sleeping and sex have in common? ... I`m not getting nearly enough of either.
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
I enjoy long romantic walks to the fridge.
I was in a taxi and the driver said "I love my job. I`m my own boss and nobody tells me what to do!" I said "That`s really great, now take a left here."
Ever since I heard that women have one breast bigger than the other,it`s given me another reason to stare.
Do you think people in Mexico ever say, "Those jobs keep stealing all our Mexic?ns!"
I only seem to remember I want to lose weight after eating 6 cookies.
Look in the mirror and tell me that God does not have a sense of humor.
[boss calls me to office] We found a lot of disgusting porn on your computer. Thats a matter of opinion. Some may say it`s the right amount.
Most days the best thing about my job is that my chair spins
If I drove a UPS truck there’s a 100% chance I would fall out of the truck when I turned corners.
You ever wonder why wearing no underwear is called “going commando”? It seems to me it wouldn’t be useful in a combat situation.
Word to the wise - make sure the phone is 100% hung up before you call someone an a$$hole.
If your friends tell you not to give in to peer pressure and you don`t: technically, you did
If you read my entire Facebook timeline from the beginning, you can witness my descent into madness