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The next time there`s an awkward silence, try whispering, "Did you forget your line?"
The WWF advert asks, “When the ice goes, where do the polar bears go?” ... Well, swimming, I suppose.
If everything goes as planned, tonight I shall drink myself beautiful.
I have never been guilty of taking the smaller pizza slice.
Relationships are like bathrooms. I`m in them a lot longer than I need to be, probably cause I`m playing on my phone the whole time.
Why can`t the ice cream man just get a freakin liquor license already
People must stop questioning my sanity, it wont answer them.
It`s been discovered that 1% of the population is allergic to Gluten. The other 99% are sick and tired of hearing about it......
I don`t drink these days. I`m allergic to alcohol and narcotics. I break out in handcuffs.
It`s amazing how much us guys complain about women and then fully trust them with our pen!ses in their mouth.
I saw a man at the beach screaming, "Help, shark, help!" I laughed because I knew the shark wasn`t going to help him.
So it turns out being an adult is mostly just googling how to do stuff.
My friend`s Jeep was broken into and she acted so surprised about it. Your car is held together by zippers! It`s as secure as my pants.
There are no absolutes in this world. Except vodka.
Let It Snow is my favorite song about people who don`t understand how weather works.