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That mini heart attack you get when the parked car next to you moves and you think you’re moving.
If it weren’t for physics and law enforcement, I’d be unstoppable.
For Sale. Old batteries, free of charge.
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel... It was 3 weeks from tomorrow.
Dark humor is like sex, not everybody always gets it.
It`s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your sh!t together, every other vegetable.
It`s really crazy that you don`t hear a round of applause every time you order a salad.
I guess today has been pretty good. I haven`t had to slap one single person yet....
Why do people have to get ready for bed? I’m always ready for bed
When you leave store without buying anything and all you can think is `keep calm, you`re innocent`.
My boss told me that if I can`t show up sober then don`t bother coming to work tomorrow. Three day weekend!
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with “Guess” on it…so I said “Implants?”
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
Do Hostess employees have Snowball fights?
Of course women have cleaner minds than men. They change them much more often