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Word on the street is... Lol. Jk. I don`t go outside.
There`s a time and place for wine, In my hand and now.
Checked myself for ticks ... but I didn`t hear anything.
I woke up hungover to the sound of my neighbor mowing the lawn. I figure he`ll just have to mow around me. I`m not moving.
I can’t wait until I get that job at Starbucks because I’m going to spell everyone’s name wrong so they can’t instagram their cups.
They say when life gives you lemons….but what if life hands you a rather large banana? What then, my friend? What then?
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount...
That moment when you run into a spider web and suddenly become a karate master.
Without the sanctity of marriage there wouldn`t be job security for divorce attorneys and marriage counselors.
Cars should come with two horns: one that’s like “Hey guys!” & another that’s like “I will end you!”
The easiest way to escape a conversation is to interrupt the other person and say "this conversation is going great" every few seconds
I’ve been really depressed these past few days. Finally visited a therapist and got diagnosed. Turns out, I’m poor.
I like to walk by a chick in slow motion so she thinks i`m the one
New Study: Long-term beer drinking can lead to depression, also known as "running out of beer."
If only losing weight was as easy as losing my cell phone, my keys, my temper, or even my mind ... I`d be SO skinny!