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And then her mood ring just...exploded
Your dating profile should be like house listings. 1. Sq. footage 2. Date built 3. # of previous owners? 4. Finished basement?
The sun isn`t the only thing that rises in the morning...if you know what I mean ;)
Work is the result of failing to procrastinate effectively.
As long as everything is exactly the way I want it. I`m totally flexible.
I live in constant fear that someone will kidnap my mother in law who lives all alone at 48 W Main St, bldg C, Apt 32 on the 3rd floor.
It’s like I wanna be left alone but I still want people to notice my absence, you know.
Often think if I`d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
I really like that machine at the gym where you put money into it and snacks come out.
When your parties have glasses instead of red cups, you’re a grown up.
Why does whoop-ass only come in a can?
Is anyone going to tell America`s funniest videos about YouTube?
If you cannot FACE your problem, then the problem is your FACE.
I think I can survive on Mars since they found water for my coffee.
Step aside coffee… this is a job for booze.