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"Man, you know your bible verses forwards and backwards" - said no one ever
My gift horse is facing the wrong way
Life would be so much more fun if there were random Dukes of Hazzard style car ramps along the drive to work.
Note to self: Next time, don`t use "continue" as the Safe Word.
It`s all fun and games until the cops show up.
You know what`s really great about being a narcissist? Me.
Hot singles in your area are dating each other while you sit alone staring at your phone.
If I would have known there would be a Facebook, I would have written “eff off forever” instead of “keep in touch” in your yearbook.
You can always count on me to feel you up when you`re feeling down
Yes, I streaked once on a dare ... all the rest of the times though were just for fun
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
I think I`m funny - but looks aren`t everything
I don’t want to rule the world… Just everything within a hundred square mile radius.
I am really glad the shutdown is over. I`ll tell you something, it was very lonely being the only nonessential employee who was working.
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.