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I would like to think that I`ll die heroic death saving someone`s life but it`s more likely I`ll trip over my shoelaces and choke on a spoonful of Nutella.
Why do medications always have side effects like `anal leakage` & `suicidal thoughts`? Why not `invisibility` or `spontaneous orgasms`?
Pringles cans should have a twist mechanism like stick deodorant.
*Food hits floor* Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”King Germ: “No, we must wait 5 seconds!”
The word bed looks like a bed.
Does "Can I take your order?" sometimes mean "Let`s start a new life together" or am I reading too much into this?
The Australian kiss is just like the French kiss but down under.
When I woke up this morning everything in my house had been stolen and replaced with exact replicas... WEIRD..
Today my role will be played by an overworked, under caffeinated, sarcastic, unstable, asshole. Consider this my disclaimer for the day.
Relatives comin` ~ hide all awesome stuff!
I didn’t say “what?” because I can’t hear you. I was giving you a chance to change what you said.
Bran flakes. Helping pants fit better for over 100 years.
I bet heroin addicts can open a Capri sun on the first try.
Facebook stalking? BAH! In my day, we used to root through people`s garbage.
No, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.