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Birthdays back then: Wow! Look at all these presents!. Birthdays now : Wow damn look at all these notifications!.
Is going to bed! Hopefully the Cleaning Fairies will come and clean my house tonight! Wishful Dreaming i guess!
I always tell new hires, don`t think of me as your boss, think of me as your friend who can fire you`re ass
Give a man a gun he can rob a bank. Give a man a bank and he can rob everybody
Was disappointed when I watched the films Shaft, XXX, X-Men, In To Deep, Snatch, The Box, Free Willy. None of them were what I expected...
Maybe it`s inappropriate for the first date but if there`s a maze on the menu I`m asking for crayons.
If you need me I`ll always be stuck behind the person who doesn`t know how to use the CVS self-checkout aisle.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief.
Apparently “cheesecake & tacos” wasn’t the answer the interviewer was looking for when he asked me what my weaknesses are.
I am not sure, but I think I just heard my cup of coffee say, "You are my b*tch"
Tomorrow I`m going to start using big words to sound smart....Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
If you are offended by the words "In God We Trust" on your money, then send it to me. I don`t mind it at all.
Crayons are a lot like M & M`s, all the colors taste the same.
I was asked what I would give the woman who has everything? Well…my phone number for a start.
Just tried to put my seatbelt on ... at my desk ... I`m pretty.