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I think I`m gonna shave my legs so that there`s less wind resistance when I run to the fridge for a beer.
And, yet another day I’ve gone without using calculus.
I`m not Unemployed, I`m just taking my next job`s vacation in advance...
I had four E`s and LSD last night. Such an awful start to a game of scrabble!!
Birth Control Pills should be for men. It makes much more sense to unload a gun than to shoot at a bulletproof vest.
Yeah, I was dropped as a baby. Into a pool of sheer awesome.
Sometimes I think "What would Dexter do"?
Procrastination is a dish best served eventually.
I know exactly how a bomb technician feels when I try to open a cup of cherry mixed fruit without the juice spraying out.
They say 1 in 3 people cheat in a relationship. I`m not sure if its my wife or my girlfriend.
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
I finally finished my 4,000 piece jigsaw puzzle. It reads- " Get a life you sad F**k "
Karma means I can rest easy at night knowing all the people I treated badly had it coming.
Sorry I drunk dialed you at 10am.
Boobs make me forget about all the bad things in the world.