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when she says "size doesn`t matter" what she really means is "I have been disappointed before." :)
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the a$$holes asked me to turn it down.
I don`t know who I feel more sorry for.. myself for never being able to find where I parked my car?.. or the poor bastards following me through the parking lot hoping to take my parking space...
My need for caffeine is so bad I`m going to AA for the free coffee
Have you ever been so hungry you accidentally called someone sandwich?
You health nuts are gonna feel real stupid when you`re laying in the hospital dying of nothing.
You know the road is in bad shape when you drive to the grocery store and your fitbit registers 1,000 steps.
I don`t understand those couples that fight and a minute later change their facebook status to "single." I fight with my parents but you don`t see me change my status to "orphan."
Wife: Hi honey, did you miss me? Husband: With every bullet so far...
I`ll never be to old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
Porn is the only type of entertainment where "not watching the whole thing" means it was good.
OMG this is Freaky! Have 8 beers & 3 shots, go to your phone the next day, press ‘Recently Dialed’ & the name of your crush will appear!
A "Tap Out" sticker on your mini van still makes it a mini van.
This morning I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering. 98 of them said, "How did you get in here?"
Ok ... I just had a talk with myself, and it did not go well. Now I`m grounded.