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Funny how things change with time, I used to hate spankings.. ;)
I’ve come to the realization that the trash goes out more than I do.
Bought some cheese at one of those fancy cheese shops today. It was legend dairy...
I`ve been knocking for ten minutes. Don`t people answer their bathroom windows anymore?
Started a new exercise routine yesterday. So far I`ve only missed one day.
Now I lay me down to sleep, a bottle of vodka at my feet, if I should die before I wake, tell my friends I drank it straight.
How come know-it-alls don`t know how annoying they are?
Mothers never really understand the irony of calling their children "come here you son of a bitch"
My therapist says I have imposter syndrome. But come on, I`m not good enough to have something fancy like that.
I want to be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
If you didn’t want me stopping by for cake, you shouldn`t have advertised your birthday with balloons & banner on your mailbox.
Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs aren`t happy.
As i get older i realize I do a LOT more YOGA...attempting to tie my shoelaces
This cold weather makes me half the man I used to be.
I always have a note in my pocket that says "john did it" just in case I`m murdered because I don`t want him to remarry