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Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They`er so warm and cozy, and it`s fun to scan the laundromat and guess whose they are.
Remember kids, NEVER light fireworks. Let the adults, who have been drinking all day, light them instead!
To whoever finds the $20 I dropped last night: spend it on alcohol. It`s what I would have wanted.
So much for the saying, 3rd times a charm, I just checked my Mega Millions ticket for the 3rd time, and still nothing.
Always be yourself, unless you can be Batman, always be Batman.
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
If the waitress in the One Bell Pub is reading this can we please have our pudding now, cheers
Fun game for parents: Scream in horror the first time your child loses a tooth.
You’d be amazed how often I’m wrong when people say guess what.
My decision making skills closely resemble that of a squirrel when crossing the street.
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
So Stevie Wonder is going to become father to triplets next year. I guess he didn`t see that coming...
According to the police, public masturbation is not considered a "street performance". Even if you have a hat on the ground on front of you.
I always hear people say that a dog is man`s best friend, but I don`t even have enemies who`ll look me dead in my face while taking a sh!t on my carpet.
Don`t worry about walking a mile in my shows. Try a day thinking in head.