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In sign language, arthritis is a speech impediment.
In light of recent events, I have no choice but to deduct a full star from my Yelp review of Earth.
Just hung a picture. I nailed it.
I can explain it to you, but I can’t understand it for you.
Facebook made billions by saying “Hey, remember that kid you haven’t seen since the third grade? He’s a parent who hates Obama now.”
I used to be a kleptomaniac but now I take something for it.
My friend told me he`s going to have a sex change. Apparently, he just wants to eat, drink, and be Mary.
Life advice: Enjoy the f*ck out of it. It`s that simple.
I believe in love at first sight or as science calls it, "boners."
Nobody wished me a happy birthday today, which isn´t surprising really, since it isn´t my birthday.
In "I am Legend" Will Smith lives alone for years. But then 24hrs after a woman shows up, he dies.....AND she stole his bacon
I am the type to fart in a crowded train and get just as upset as everyone else.
I need to find a woman that loves me for my money....but doesn`t understand math. (<>..,<>)
You know how sometimes as you fall asleep your whole body jolts you awake? That`s a ghost finishing sex with you.