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I`m old enough to remember when cell phones actually got smaller every year.
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN
Miley Cyrus and Justin Beiber were both answers on Jeopardy tonight. The end is near........
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
My ex warned me that I would never find a girl like her again....THANK GOD!
I`ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
Why non-smokers don`t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
I don`t mean to brag, but my posts are enjoyed by well over 20 people worldwide...
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
I`m super lazy today. Which is like normal lazy but I`m also wearing a cape.
Got kicked out of the casino again. Apparently, gold chocolate coins mess up their slot machines or something.
If you can`t tell the difference between delivery and Digiorno then you`re a f***ing idiot.
Lets all take a minute and realize the lack of creativity in the name "fire place"
My family tree is a cactus, we`re all pricks.
They say 1 minute of kissing burns 26 calories. No wonder sluts are so damn skinny.