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Surgery beds are basically cutting boards for humans.
More often than not, the excitement of a Facebook friend request dies upon discovering who it is.
Waiter: Would u like ur coffee black sir? Me: What other colors do u have?
That moment you realize that the person who proofread Hitler`s speeches was indeed a Grammar Nazi.
Judge: I`ve decided to give your ex-wife $350/month for child support. Me: That`s very generous. I`ll try and kick in a little myself.
Ever had one of those days that you feel like you should have skipped the morning coffee and went straight for the booze?
The most dangerous drinking game is seeing how long I can go without coffee.
To save time, lets just assume I am never wrong ;)
I love everybody. Some I love to be around, some I love to avoid, and others I love to punch in the face.
How does anything EVER get done at the bubble wrap factory??
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I`m a big advocate of the `You started it` method of defense in an argument.
My coworkers are looking at me like they`ve never seen anyone tailgate before work.
When the nurse calls my name at the doctor`s office, I like to run through the waiting room like I got called on The Price is Right
It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs… because they always take things literally