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Nothing shuts my pie hole more than an actual pie.
I can`t wait for the day when my kids are old enough that I can drink with them and not because of them.
When we are small, our mom`s would use really small forks as spoons to feed us...But what about Chinese moms? Would they use toothpicks?
You`re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU`RE RICH
Karate is just a violent way of making people smell your feet.
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes, because I would have an 8 pack.
I ignored your Facebook friend request because there isn`t a "Hell no!" button.
"The Twilight Zone" makes me long for the days when you could smoke on a spaceship.
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
I honestly don’t care if you think I’m crazy. You’re just a figment of my imagination anyway.
Meanwhile one million men got to enjoy a quiet afternoon at home without anyone nagging them.
I`m going to start tackling random guys in football jerseys saying "look how he`s dressed. He was asking for it!"
Sorry a remote fell out when you took off my bra
I’m always disappointed when a liar’s pants don’t actually catch on fire.
Every time I make plans to eat better I can hear my stomach laughing