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You can make your life more entertaining by simply reaching out, and getting to know a whore.
Watching a funny movie after watching a scary one too try to reduce the risk of nightmares.
I ran out of coffee this morning, whisky seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
Is it too late to wrap myself up like a baby and drop myself off on a billionaire’s doorstep?
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
If I was a Jedi there is a 100% chance that I would use the Force inappropriately.
Stop complaining about being single on Valentine`s Day. We have bigger problems in this world. Like why McDonald`s doesn`t serve breakfast after 10.30
Just changed my wireless network name in my apartment to "I can hear you having sex through the ceiling and it sounds mediocre."
me + you = overpopulation... :) :p
Step 1: remove food from packaging Step 2: dig packaging out of trash to locate cook time
FACT: 99.7% of guys named "Dan" are not actually "The Man".
So, at this point, should we really still be calling them New Kids on the Block?
My ex was in a swimming competition with 19 other women today. They were doing the breaststroke. Unfortunately, she came in last place. She didn`t know she could have used her arms!
I`m going to start tackling random guys in football jerseys saying "look how he`s dressed. He was asking for it!"
.Monday: No. Tuesday: Ugh. Wednesday: Why. Thursday: Omg. Friday: Finally. Saturday: Yes. Sunday: Crying.