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PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese`s Pieces. Oh, and my wife`s really being a bitch.
Why periods? Why can`t Mother Nature just text me and be like, "Whaddup Girl?, You ain`t pregnant. Have a great week. Talk to ya next month."
Wife: You always blame other people for your problems. Me: Yeah, and whose fault is that?
Math questions are so stupid! They’re like “If I have 5 bottles in one hand and 6 in the other, what do I have?” Oh I dunno, a drinking problem maybe?
You ever notice that the most dangerous thing about marijuana is getting caught with it?
I’m exhausted just thinking of everything I have to do.
If anybody asks, I was on Facebook all night tonight, okay? Thanks for having my back, everyone.
bras are booby-traps
If life was easy, we wouldn`t need alcohol.
The NFL has hired their first female referee ... She will be throwing flags for penalties the teams committed 5 years ago.
As a nation, we may be spending our children`s money, but at my house, it`s the other way around.
I`m off to bed. For those of you who wish to add a touch of authenticity to your fantasies, the sheets are pale blue...
Nothing says lazy like laying on the couch making today`s responsibilities tomorrow`s problem.
If I had a dollar for every time I had a nickel.......
Was hating my job until I drove past a grown man dressed as a Taco on the side of the road. Thanks again Perspective