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If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Never let your printer know you`re in a rush, those bastards smell fear
Thank God I still have 20 days to achieve my goal of "going to the gym in 2013."
One does not simply log out of their friend`s facebook account without making them gay.
When a couple asks me for directions,I know that the wife is forcing the guy to ask.That`s why I give them wrong ones to teach her a lesson.
Nothing in the world is more expensive than a women who’s free for the weekend
I spent at least half an hour trying to get my girlfriends bra off. I will never try wearing that again.
If you respond to coworkers asking how your weekend was with turkey noises, they leave you alone.
That sounds fried. I`ll take it.
The problem with marriage is that it was invented when people lived to the ripe old age of 30.
Velcro, what a rip-off!
Walmart needs observation decks.
Good neighbors do not put password on their wi-fi.
"It`s not you, it`s me." -Twins looking at some family photos.
Seriously, it’s almost 2014, can we please get some waterproof phones? I would like to text in the shower.