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I just had a conversation with my-self...but it just turned into an argument. I think it`s that time of the month...
If I had a time machine, I’d probably just use it so I wouldn’t have to throw out so many bananas.
Receptionist: "The doctor will see you now." Invisible Man: "Finally, a cure!"
Getting out of bed was my worst mistake today.
The best thing about telepathy is... I know, right!?
Getting back with your ex is like taking a shower and putting back on your dirty underwear.
Thank goodness I`m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can`t blame it on the alcohol.
New documentary movie about white trash ... I only saw the trailer...
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
My number one rule to live by is: Don’t die.
If you get angry, just take deep breaths and count to ten. Unless you`re angry about oxygen and numbers.
Fingerprints are proof that God doesn`t trust us
Teacher: Have a seat! Student: Thanks! *picks up the chair and leaves* -- (°_°)
If stress burned calories, I’d be a super model.
My favorite beer is the 15th one.