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Looking for one night stand! Probably need two! I have a lot of books
Alcoholic? No. Self-appointed booze quality control technician? Yes.
Kids may be a gift, but I like playing with the box it came in.
You left a note on the fridge saying "This isn`t working. Goodbye" but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don`t get it.
I’ve thought long and hard, and have decided on my New Year’s resolution ... 1024×768.
Is life fair? Short answer, no. Long answer, nooooooo.
You can`t make me believe there`s a shortage of jobs in this country when there are 23 cash registers at WalMart and only 3 cashiers.
I’m too young to be too old for everything.
Nothing screams "I don`t care about being on time for work" like hopping on Facebook first thing in the morning.
I really would like to take a yoga class. But I really can`t trust my farts.
No way I’m the only one who crosses their fingers, closes their eyes & holds their breath when checking their account balance.
I am not real pumped up about the Super Bowl this year!
I put the “Pro” in Procrastinate.
When I finish eating something I have to show my hands to the dog like I`m a blackjack dealer...
It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs… because they always take things literally