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The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.
Based on how many times I`ve dropped my phone, I`m gonna hold off on the whole baby thing.
Don’t piss off old people. The older they get, the less ‘life in prison’ is a deterrent.
I fell asleep at the wheel last weekend. My pottery was ruined.
My favorite thing about naps is that I don`t have to talk to people during them
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
Why am I not allowed to post anything on here?
Why do they have “limited edition” scented candles? Are there crazy people collecting these things?
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated...go figure.
If you can afford a gym membership, you can afford deodorant.
Nothing says I have faith in God like the bullet proof glass on the Pope`s car.
I just threw a piece of food on the floor of my cubicle. Totally forgot my dog doesn`t work here.
The problem with alcohol is that... it wears off.
Can I use my Mastercard to make my Visa payment?
Walmart needs observation decks.