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The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.
My life coach is the cashier at the liquor store.
I quit my job and handed in my badge and gun to my boss, he said, why do you have a gun? You work at McDonald’s.
The snooze button, because there’s nothing like starting your day off with a little procrastination.
I`m growing a mullet to test our friendship.
The only difference between a weekday and a weekend is which boss is telling me to do things.
I look forward to paying off all my debt so I can get back to just being broke.
LOL` the biggest lie on the internet.
I`m bored, I think I`ll ask my boyfriend if I look fat. - women
Hey, sorry I missed your call. I saw your name on the caller ID and I didn’t want to ruin my day by talking to you.
If you’re a millionaire and you don’t have trampoline floors or a giant slide that goes from your bed to an olympic sized indoor pool then you should just give me all of your money because you’re wasting it
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
Darn right I’m good in bed. ...I can sleep for days.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you`ll be really far away from me with your motivational nonsense.
When I text someone and they don`t text me back, I automatically assume that they fainted from the excitement.