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" a fool and his money ----- are never around when you need a loan......"
Finally figured out what women want...SECURITY!!!......(At least that`s what they all yell when I try to talk to them...)
"I woke up with morning wood. She woke up with morning wouldn`t."
"I`m sorry" and "I apologise" mean the same thing...except when you`re at a funeral.
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
Dyslexics of the world.. UNTIE!
It`s like my golf instructor thinks I`m mature enough to handle him talking about balls, and how to properly grip the club.
if I was a bird, I know who I´d poop on first.
I wish I drove a Volkswagen bug. It would be cool to know that every time I drove by a school bus, some kid was getting punched.
Success is like pregnancy, everyone congratulates you but no one knows how many times you`ve been screwed to get there.
In America, someone is shot every 15 seconds ... How is that person still alive?
I don`t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
Women.Some men undermine, disrespect and consider them weak,forgeting the countless spanks they got from their mothers
Some people live life in the fast lane. You’re in oncoming traffic.
I purposely cry while cutting carrots so onions don`t think they`re ugly or something.