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If Jehovah`s witnesses brought pizza and beer with them, I`d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
Money may not buy you happiness, but it does buy you all the sh1t you want!
I just realized there are more toes in the world than people
If I saw a ghost, I would not be scared. I`d be like "Sit your translucent a$$ down, I have a lot of questions!"
Being a vegetarian is hard at first but after a month or so you get used to telling everyone you`re a vegetarian.
I was all depressed last night, so I called "Lifeline". Got a call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal. They got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck
You know what makes sex awesome? Actually having it.
I`ve been single so long now I don`t remember what it`s like for someone to be mad at me for something I didn`t even know it did!
You`ll notice you never see sweatpants with "Classy" written across the butt.
Why do grown ups pay to go to gyms to exercise on expensive equipment? Can`t we meet at a park after work and play tag until dark?
Guys communicate by insulting each other, but don’t really mean it. Girls communicate by complimenting each other, but don’t really mean it.
Does Holy Crap comes from Holy Cow.?
Years ago I asked out the girl of my dreams. Today I asked her to marry me ... She said no both times
I once met a guy who was addicted to huffing brake fluid. He said he could stop any time.
True love is when you burn your tongue when you take a bite from a pizza and you still keep eating it.