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What I do when I black out is none of my business.
I believe in magic because it`s the only way to explain how fitted sheets get folded.
No one’s going to do it for you. It’s up to just you to make naps a priority in your life.
My identity was stolen. I hope they do a better job with my life than I did!
Sports commentators need to stop saying penetrate
My New Year`s resolution was to lose 15 lbs by the middle of February. I have 20 lbs. to go.
Is beer cheaper on cyber monday?
I generally don`t hang out with people who are missing digits on their feet. It`s not that I`m a jerk. I`m just lack-toes intolerant.
Raising teenagers is easy, they sleep 16 hours day, eat the other 8, and the only word in their vocab is "ok"
You know you`re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
One day I`ll look up from my phone and realize my kids put me in a nursing home.
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn`t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me...
All fortune cookies should just read, "You will have diarrhea for the next 24 hours.
"I can`t wait to have you inside me," I whispered softly to my dinner.
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they`re 18.