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that awkward moment when you`re scuba diving and you see Adele rolling in the deep.
Surgery beds are basically cutting boards for humans.
The beauty of vodka is that it looks like water. The beauty of the workplace is that water bottles are allowed.
During sex, my wife always wants to talk to me? Just the other night she called me from some hotel.
I either get what I want or I change my mind!
Everything I ever needed to know about structural engineering, I learned from Angry Birds.
My greatest achievement today was writing this status.
"What doesn`t kill you makes you smaller." -Super Mario
When I was six, my dad threw me into the pool thinking I would instantly learn to swim. I probably would if it had water in it.
Sometimes you`ve got to ask yourself: "Why am I talking to myself?"
The first 30 years of childhood are always the hardest.
Improve your day by ordering coffee in the voice you use for your pets.
dreams of a better world... where chickens can cross the road without having their motives questioned
They say you need to listen to what your body is telling you. But mine just points and laughs.
STD`s aren`t like pokémon, your not suppose to catch`em all!