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Sent my ex a card that said, "Get better soon." He`s not ill, just really crappy in bed.
I don`t really work, I just kinda stand around and be awesome.
I love you more than I hate everyone else.
You had me at, "we`ll make it look like an accident."
I can`t believe The Stones are still doing it after all these years. Someday I want to have a marriage like Fred and Wilma.
Why do people say “nice to meet you” before I’ve even said anything? How do you know it’s nice to meet me? I’m a jerk.
Whoever said the camera adds 10 pounds should stop eating cameras.
"2, 4, 6, 8!! Ride my face let`s fornicate!!!" And with that, HR banished me from all future employee picnics.
I was being taught to use some machinery today, and I was quizzed as to the rules of it`s use. When asked what the first rule is I responded, "You do not talk about Fight Club."
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
Do you think regular dogs see police dogs and think, “Oh crap! It’s the cops!”?
Top three reasons he doesn`t text you back: 1. He`s just not that into you 2. He`s imaginary 3. He`s a cat
Whoever made up the saying "It`s the thought that counts" never got a pair of crocs for Christmas.
Most hated song in jail: "Bad Boys, Bad Boys, whatcha gonna do when they come for you"......
I really think my life would be a lot better if my fitness app would just lower its standards