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Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
+ if you wish you could record your dreams.
Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side!
Can Walmart be a feeling? I`m pretty sure that`s how I`m feeling today.
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn`t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
If I saw a ghost, I would not be scared. I’d be like “Sit your translucent ass down, I have a lot of questions!”
Last year I won a $50 gift card to Chili`s at a Christmas raffle. ...... This year I`ve decided my Secret Santa gift is going to be a $14.37 gift card to Chili`s.
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
I was enjoying our conversation. Until you started talking....
Someone asked an old man: "After 70yrs you still call your wife Darling, Honey and Luv. What`s the secret?"... Old man: I forgot her name 10 yrs ago & I`m scared 2 ask her.
Have you ever listened to somebody speak and wonder who ties their shoelaces for them?
We used to be afraid people on the internet would find us in real life. Now we`re terrified people in real life will find us on the internet
Im still waiting for Anheuser-Bush to name a beer "responsibly" so i can drink it!
3 bottles of bleach: $15.00. One rope, 3 rolls of duct tape, and a shovel: $35.00. 3 boxes of trash bags: $10.00. The look on the cashier`s face: Priceless!:D
Sex Is Like Math: Add The Bed, Subtract The Clothes, Divide The Legs, And Pray To God You Don`t Multiply!