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How come the energizer bunny beats a drum instead of doing something like working the cashier register at Wal-Mart?
I always shout "PIZZA`S HERE" so the delivery guy doesn`t think I`m eating two pizzas by myself.
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you`re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they`ve probably had diarrhea at some point
When my husband gives me shit for taking too long to get ready, I remind him that you never know when you`ll meet the man of your dreams.
If I had a mood ring on today, it`d be flashing like a disco ball!
Always be yourself, unless you suck…and if you suck you should try being more like me.
You know you`re getting old when one huge fart throws out your back.
Today’s Horoscope: You’re gullible
When people say "To be honest...", it means that up to that point they`ve been lying.
I`m getting sick of these porn sites listing my videos as "amateur".
Time is precious ... waste it wisely!
If there is anything I learned from 80`s movies it`s that I`m the best around, and nothing is ever gonna keep me down
Part of me wants to help you with your crisis, but part of me wants to go to happy hour.
pens and pencils are drumsticks and desks and textbooks are drum kits. its a fact.
Drank way too much beer last night. Didn`t leave any for this morning.