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It`s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die.
You, my friend, deserve a high-five... that’s four more fingers than I normally give.
Call me old fashioned but I prefer women with eyebrows made out of hair
I am not acting childish and you`re just a big doody-head.
The Easter Bunny doesn`t always drink, but when he does I bet it`s hopscotch.
Never call me creepy. You`re the only one that doesn`t even know we`re engaged.
Walmart: the only place on Earth you can get a haircut, eye exam, ice cream sandwich, tires for your car, and witness a real life "what not to wear" episode.
From now on, all of my posts will be written in Morgan Freeman`s voice. Please re-read this one to make sure it`s working.
It takes patience to listen, it takes skill to pretend you’re listening.
I work so hard for my gta V character to have a better life
The only way I`ll ever run a marathon is if I set up the booths and hand out tags.
Doctor: How`s your headache? Me: She`s out of town.
WARNING: Every single thing I post from here on in, is alcohol induced.
Welcome to fight club..., you may now kiss the bride.