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Not to brag, but I`m pretty good in bed. I don`t snore or steal covers, and I only pee if something startles me.
You can`t fight Destiny. Because if you try to fight Destiny, then you have to fight the bouncers and the rest of the strippers too...
* feels winds of change * realizes it`s just a hole in my shorts
Life is like toilet paper....either you`re on a roll....or you`re taking sh*t from some asshole
I scratch my a$$ way to much to chew my fingernails...
I cannot turn water into wine but, I can turn ice cream into breakfast so that’s pretty neat.
Do homeless people get Knock Knock Jokes?
If you are not sweating while doing it...then you are doing it wrong.
My coffee was so hot this morning it came along with an ugly friend.
The female praying mantis devours the male within minutes after mating, while the female human prefers to stretch it out over a lifetime.
I always win at chess ... by hitting my opponent with a brick.
I wish I was Robinson Cruso. Coz, I can have `Friday` everyday :) TGIF guys..cheers ;)
I wish life had a “rewind-the-weekend” button.
I like people the most when I`m by myself.
I don`t think I have enough money to find long everlasting love.