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My father was never proud of me. One day he asked me, "How old are you?" I said, "I`m five." He said, "When I was your age I was six."
Are you bored? Head over to Walmart, go into a fitting room, shut the door, wait awhile, and then yell very loudly, `Hey! There`s no toilet paper in here.`
Avoid parking tickets by leaving your wipers on high.
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some sh!t.
A lot of people do not realize that the actor who played Wilson in Castaway is the same actor from the volleyball scene in Top Gun.
"Size DOES matter", I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
Lol at birds that walk places.
Iām on that new diet where you eat everything and hope for a miracle!
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said bet you can`t hit me with a quarter!
I hate when people call me and ask "WHO IS THIS?"
My wife said to go out and buy something that makes her look hot & sexy for Valentine`s Day! So I got drunk.
Had a great time watching the family oriented PG rated Shrek with my grandson last night... until he asked why a Donkey would have sex with a Dragon.
my girlfriend does that cute thing, where she doesnt exist.
This strip mall certainly is misleading And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
I just don`t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?