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My eye problems starts on Mondays and ends on Friday evening. I see clearer after the fourth bottle.
Spinning in circles to get dizzy as a child was my first attempt at getting high.
All I`m saying is that if you were a real psychic palm reader you would of made me wash my hands first.
There is no life on earth without water. Because without water, there is no coffee. And without coffee, I`ll kill you all.
My wife told me: "Sex is better on vacation." That wasn`t a very nice postcard to receive.
It`s a good idea to test your immune system from time to time by eating a gas station hot dog
I hate it when I get too drunk and just kidding I never hate getting drunk!
I’m great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.
Free middle fingers for everyone!!!
I like to go to the bathroom with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
I hate when I accidentally eat everything in sight.
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
They should just block cell phone service in movie theaters. Problem solved.
I love asking kids what they want to be when they grow because I`m still looking for ideas
Before you have any hope for the future of humanity, come and look at how this guy parked.