Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
My resolution last year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
*Removes smoke detector battery *Cooks in silence
Is there anyone called Phillip here? I found your screwdriver.
Some people are normal. What an awful, boring existence that must be.
Simmer down joggers running in place at a stop light, simmer down.
Irish Handcuffs: Holding a beer in each hand.
The only thing creepier than seeing a guy in a Speedo is seeing a guy in a Speedo staring back at you
The officer said, "you drinking?" I said, "you buying?" then we both laughed and laughed... And now I need bail money.
I have to hand it to people who lead a double life ... I can barely handle the one I have.
Remember this when you are drunk: You can`t fall off the floor.
I broke my finger today. But on the other hand I`m fine.
I`m a multi-taking procrastinator. I can put off all kinds of things all at once.
I`m just 1 nap, 8 beers, 2 orgasms and my own personal robot away from this being the best day ever.
It’s people that give drinking a bad name.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I`m the proud owner of aisle 7.