Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
My iPhone autocorrected "wish you were here" to "wish you were beer" ...I sent it anyways.
Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight. - The Swiss Army
Instead of torturing people for getting information, why don’t they just get them really drunk?
Next time you take your dog for a walk pretend he`s solving a mystery.
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school] "It doesn`t matter if its a dog, it`s still called a cat scan"
Someday you may lose your hair, you may lose your teeth, your money and even lose your mind. But one thing you will never lose – your good looks, coz you can never lose what you don’t have!
My neighbours diary say`s I have boundary issues.
Flies only live for 24 hours.. Except for the ones that get in your room. Those bastards live forever.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Whoever said "nothing is impossible" never tried to nail JELL-O to a tree.
Can`t believe people still say "pot" it`s not the 70s anymore we call it "saucepan" now
I’m at the age where all my posts start with the phrase “I’m at the age where.”
I can`t go to sleep if any of my apps need to be updated, but will drive my car with the check engine light until it explodes.
I sometimes get road rage just pushing a shopping cart though a grocery store!
If my ceiling fan could hold my weight, I would never be bored again.