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Your baby was cute until I realized you’re on the same flight as me. Now your baby is stupid.
The problem with the rest of the world is that they are always 5 drinks behind.
Are you free tonight, or will it cost me?
Facial recognition software can pick out a person in a crowd, but this stupid vending machine at work can`t recognize my dollar bill with a bent corner...
Follow your dreams. Unless it’s a person. ..apparently they call THAT stalking.
If I had to choose between Star Wars and Star Trek, I`d probably choose beer.
"Polar bears can`t jump." - Black bears
I only call them yoga pants because Netflix and eat leftovers pants was too long.
I just read that burglars use Facebook to see when people aren’t home. So from now on, I’m at home. With a rifle. And a hungry crocodile.
Junk- something you keep for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
Women are angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we continue to fly…on a broomstick. We’re flexible that way.
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
When I have to make a difficult decision in life I think what would grandma do, then I leave home in my nightie & shout at random strangers.
My last request: At my funeral, someone come up at the end and padlock my coffin shut, just to freak everyone out.
A recent study has found that woman who carry little extra weight live longer then the man who mention it