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I`m just a few smartphone apps away from never having to talk to anyone again.
Scratching off a lotto ticket before you leave the store is a good way of letting people know that your life isn`t going according to plan.
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
How ignorant do I have to be before I start experiencing bliss?
I`m not the sort of person you should put on speakerphone.
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
Stages of Drunk: 1. Wow. I can dance. 2. All hats look GOOD on me. 3. Shhh. Don`t wake up the cows.
I wish I could commute by roller coaster.
I don`t work that hard, I just make everything look way more difficulat than it is...
Best Pregnancy T-Shirt… “9 Months Sober”
Currently helping my sister look for her chocolate`s I ate 4hrs ago.
If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
Look!!! I am always here for you no matter what,OK? unless there is something good on tv or I`m eating pie
Either I wrote a bunch of drunken Facebook status updates last night, or my dog has finally figured out the computer.
They need to put more spider poison in hairspray.