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Meal prepping is basically eating a week`s worth of leftovers from a meal that never happened.
Lets be honest. Half of life is messing up and half is frantically trying to fix it.
Oh no. I thought of a brilliant status to update while taking bath but by the time I got back to my phone I forgot it. This is why I hate taking a bath.
I overheard 2 girls say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
Me at age 5 "I wish I had a $1" Me at age 10 "I wish I had $100" Me at age 17 "I wish I had $1,000,000" Me at age 26 "I wish I had $1"
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man
"Never pick a fight with an ugly person. They`ve got nothing to lose." -Robin Williams
My view on chocolate: God’s way of saying, “No hard feelings,” to those of us who aren’t getting any.
I was wondering why my doctor gave me LSD for my constipation, then I saw a dragon and crapped myself.
For the love of God, single people, stop looking for love or you`ll end up married.
That Awkward Moment when you’re being sarcastic and someone believes you.
Scared the mailman today by going to the door completely naked. Not sure what scared him more, my naked body or that I knew where he lived.
Another successful year no random father`s day cards in the mail!
Sorry a remote fell out when you took off my bra
That time Homer`s arms were stuck in a vending machine until he realized he could just let go is basically what all of life is like