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It’s the getting ahead that I’m running behind on.
I was getting really depressed today but then I realized double cheeseburgers exist
Its all fun and games..until you get stuck on a level of candy crush!!!
The bat signal seems pretty useless if they need Batman during the day.
If you have ever sat in the toilet at work and wondered how long you can sit there before someone searches for you, the answer is 47 minutes
The officer said, "you drinking?" I said, "you buying?" then we both laughed and laughed... And now I need bail money.
Feeling so good today ... High-five the person next to you and tell them it`s from me.
Your shadow: What happens when light travels 93 million miles unobstructed, only to be deprived of reaching the ground in the final few feet by you.
My favourite part about amazingly hot, energetic, passionate sex. Is being able to rewind the tape & watch it again.
“Grandbrother” sounds much cooler than uncle.
If two cannibals fight, does that make it a food fight?
Never make eye contact while eating a banana
I`ve been sober 136 days. Not in a row, but still...
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
Life is not like a box of chocolates. It`s more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today might burn your a$$ tomorrow.