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I run entirely on caffeine and inappropriate thoughts.
I`ve actually have come to the conclusion that some of today`s youth may actually believe "laughing out loud" is actually spelled "lol"
Just worked out, I will spend on average 7 years of my life in the bathroom. My wife will spend on average 6.9 years of her life knocking on the door saying " are you all right in there "
Men are like dogs. We`re excited to see you, and we have no idea what you`re mad about.
If electricity comes from electrons… does that mean that morality comes from morons?
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn`t even come close to my 10 year old`s reaction when I told him that there`s no school today.
Does anyone know when is the cut-off date to stop wishing someone Happy New Years?
make little things count. teach midgets math.
When nobody`s home, I tighten the top to every jar and bottle in the house.
I don`t drink these days. I`m allergic to alcohol and narcotics. I break out in handcuffs.
My friend told me his girlfriend talks a lot in her sleep..Apparently "I know" was not the right answer...
Hey ladies breastfeeding in public,…Why don’t you ever smile in my pictures?
One good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe.
SAFETY TIP: Lock your doors and windows before bed. By the way, I love what you`ve done with the place.
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