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I`m not upset because it`s Monday, I`m upset because I have to wear pants
I don`t mind people sneezing in public. It`s that "Pre-sneeze face" they make that scares the hell out of me.
Just heard about the Obamacare deadline and I`m freaking out. I have so many questions. Who is Obama?
Watching game shows is like watching porn, you get excited watching someone else get lucky
All I`m saying is you don`t see many neck tattoos on Jeopardy.
Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always like to write: "Last warning, you have a week to get the rest of the money together."
Note to Self: In future interviews, don`t say "Safe in your strong arms" when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
You make me feel "I`m-typing-this-with-my-middle-finger" angry.
What would I give the woman who has everything? Well, my phone number for a start.
If Kanye didn`t sing "Gold Digger" while Kim walked down the aisle, I`m not interested in hearing anything about their wedding.
Today I saw something that reminded me of you. But don`t worry, I flushed and everything went back to normal.
Baking soda seems like a scam. "Be sure to keep this box of magic white powder in the back of your refrigerator."
I start every morning with a simple affirmation: I will not murder anyone today.
If I had a penny for everytime I heard you bitch at me I`d have enough money to invest in a hitman
I just need someone to feed me and tell me Iām pretty.