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Oh you better not pout. You better not cry. You better not shout I`m telling you why. Nobody gives a f*ck.
Mother mosquito: Hey kiddo, how was your first flight? kid mosquito: Great mom! Everyone was clapping for me.
I bet my road rage would be taken more seriously if I spoke German
If I could move things by telekinesis I`d squeeze people`s insides and make them fart.
People say love is the best feeling ever. However I think finding a toilet right away when you have diarrhea is better.
Who the hell invented Bull Riding? "Hey, I`m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal...Time me!!!"
You call it "Blacking Out" I call it a "Surprise Nap"
My phone is covered in cupcake frosting and dried ice cream, in case you were wondering how my life is going.
If you think I wrote this status update in the nude, you`re wrong. I`m wearing a sombrero and a candy necklace.
We`re all mature until someone pulls out bubble wrap.
If you`ve Liked more than 15 of my posts over the past year, I assume you`re okay with me putting you down as a personal reference on this job application, k?
Am I the only one who thinks my body should have better things to do than make nipple hair?
I want to delete a bunch statuses, so if you guys could just message me your passwords that`d be great.
Trying to be less negative but it`ll never work.
If I ever go missing and there’s a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.