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It’s embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasn’t sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
I think there’s finally enough stuff in my kitchen junk drawer to build a spaceship.
Listening to your wife is like reading the terms and conditions of a website. Sometimes you understand nothing, and still you say..."I Agree".....!
If people don`t occasionally walk away from you shaking their heads, you`re doing something wrong.
When a couple asks me for directions,I know that the wife is forcing the guy to ask.That`s why I give them wrong ones to teach her a lesson.
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of people wouldn`t notice... until they needed to wink at somebody.
I hear there is scientific proof that birthdays are good for you... the more you have the longer you live.
I make self-sabotage look like an art form.
There`s only one kind of exercise I know and its the beer run.
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
I use these ( ... ) a lot. For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
"Estimated Time of Arrival" on the GPS. Challenge accepted!
Some people are flirting with my delete & block button
Most of the lies I tell aren`t even true!
I’m so glad I was young and stupid before there were camera phones.